I. Fun vs. frivolous
1. Frivolous – Main Entry: friv·o·lous
1 a : of little weight or importance
b : having no sound basis (as in fact or law)
2. Fun – Main
1 : what provides amusement or enjoyment; specifically : playful often boisterous action or speech <full of fun>
2 : a mood for finding or making amusement <all in fun>
II. Big Ideas to take home – Why some aspects of dating now are frivolous and how to make them more fun?
Acronym - Q-U-E-S-T
III. QUESTIONS we ask are the wrong questions
o Question we ask when out on a date is the wrong question
· Wrong question – Is this the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life?
o The “Madness” is that we ask such a question when – we just met the person
o LEADS TO FRIVOLOUS (NO SOUND BASIS) DATES
· Right question – “Would I like to have another date with this person?”
o This is the key to making a date fun
o LEADS TO FUN DATES
a. Expectations should be similar and known
1. Goal is to have fun now – not to get married now
2. More fun will lead to knowing whether you want to marry
IV. UNDERSTAND yourself
a. Ask, “Who would want to date me?” as well as “Who do I want to date?”
§ Problem of creating a “hypothetical” person who I will want to marry.
· Question you must ask: Would that hypothetical person want to marry me?
V. EXPERIENCE each other
a. Experience the other person through the activity to help facilitate the goal of having fun and getting to know the other person
1. Don’t need to ask questions about everything – spending time together will bring out many answers for you. Interviews are not fun and do not reveal true self.
VI. SAVE something for next time
a. Make the dates short and to the point
§ Make the initial dates SHORT!
· Preferably 45 minutes but no more than 1 hour – you’ve only just met!
· Simple dates so other person can get to know you.
VII. TALK but also listen
a. Wait for questions to be asked.
b. Comment on similarities and differences based on the other person’s answers to questions you do ask.
§ THE ART OF COMMUNICATION
· Why is effective communication critical to successful dating?
o Most social situations center on your ability to ask and answer questions.
Salt The Oats
There is an old negative saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
· We can finish this statement in the positive. Read again: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. However, you can salt the oats!"
o In other words, you may be able to encourage the horse to drink by making him thirsty.
o It's the same in conversations with people. You can't just start offering information about yourself if the person hasn't shown you they're interested yet. You'll bore them. But as they are answering your questions, you can demonstrate how you're relating to their story by interjecting something about your own experiences that might make them want to ask you questions (salt the oats).
· What NOT to talk about on a date
o Talk about yourself as fast as you can so this other person can get to know you better.
o Fire out 100 quick questions so that you can find out all you want about this other person.
o Make sure the other person learns all about the things you think are wrong with this world.
o Complain about your last date.
o Blame 100% of the failure of any relationship on the other person.
· What to Talk about on first dates
· First, remember that how you conduct yourself is far more important than how much you find out about each other from the conversation.
· KEY POINT: You can't learn all you want to know in just the first 45 minutes together, but you'll probably gather enough information (if you listen) to know if you want to continue to date them or not.
· Remember this! If you are not sure you know how you feel about somebody after a simple date, do not go out on an evening date yet. Either experience a few more short dates, or just have phone conversations to get better acquainted.
· Wait until you are sure that the person has the character traits you want. There is no rush! – again both parties need to know this going into the date.
· That is how to get to know other people. Ask them questions about themselves, and then listen, really listen, to the answers.
· You'll know if they become interested in you when they begin to ask you questions!
VIII. Review acronym of Q-U-E-S-T