While EndTheMadness particularly supports natural meeting opportunities to be made available to singles and utilized by them, we also support fine-tuning the other methods of meeting that may be helpful. In this vein we recommend the Shadchan Code of Responsibility as a tool that can drastically improve the realm of matchmaking and spare untold pain, strife, and violation of Torah precepts and principles. We urge singles and matchmakers to make use of this document.

Sincerely,
Chananya Weissman
Founder, Endthemadness

















Shadchan Code of Responsibility

The setting up of people for marriage is an important, delicate endeavor, replete with awesome responsibility.
This document seeks to codify the responsibilities of those who engage in this endeavor.

Prepared by Rabbi Moshe Bellows, Esq.



























Copyright Bellows Communications ~ 917.806.6667
May be reproduced unedited and in its entirety. May not be published or posted on a web site without the permission of the author.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Moshe Bellows is a personal, professional and corporate coach, assisting individuals and companies to achieve and attain their full potential. Moshe is a recognized leader in the local, national and international community. Moshe is an award-winning educator. Moshe has devoted much of his professional career to counseling and comforting, teaching, guiding and helping people to deal with the most difficult problems of life. After graduating cum laude from Yeshiva University, Moshe went on to receive his law degree from Fordham University. Moshe has also been awarded his Rabbinic Ordination and has earned a certificate in Applied Behavioral Analysis Therapy.

Moshe has been an invited lecturer in numerous communities throughout the United States, Canada, Israel and Eastern Europe. He is the former Executive Director of Isralight and currently sits on the Boards of Directors of several non-profit organizations, including Project Extreme and its summer program, Camp Extreme, the sole summer adventure program for at-risk Jewish adolescents; and Manhattan Jewish Experience, a community based outreach organization.

Moshe is known for his wise and uplifting advice to the many audiences he addresses and has even been called "the young, Jewish Dr. Phil". Indeed, Moshe's entertaining yet provocative seminars on relationships and communication and his group dynamic programs have transformed the lives of many.

For lecture, seminar bookings, and/or relationship coaching, contact Moshe Bellows @ 917.806.6667 or bellowscom@aol.com.





















Copyright Bellows Communications ~ 917.806.6667
May be reproduced unedited and in its entirety. May not be published or posted on a web site without the permission of the author.

Shadchan Code of Responsibility

Prepared by Rabbi Moshe Bellows, Esq.


The Code
  1. Shadchan recognizes the many challenges facing those who are seeking shidduchim and agrees to try to be mindful of the inherent vulnerability of those involved in shidduch dating. The Shadchan therefore agrees to treat each request with the sensitivity and kavod (respect) that is due every person - regardless of their idiosyncrasies or seemingly undesirable characteristics, which may make the Shadchan's job harder in some cases.

  2. All information garnered by the Shadchan shall be fact checked with the client for correctness and accuracy. Client shall be defined as one of the two individuals being set up. Shadchan may approach a parent, rabbi, or other third party to confirm personal information, if necessary. The Shadchan shall be well versed in Halachos (laws) governing Lashon Harah (slander) to be able to ascertain what information may or may not be shared and with whom.

  3. Shadchan shall advocate honest exchange of information and in no way should encourage lying or stretching of the truth, including acts of omission.

  4. Shadchan shall empower the parties. Shadchan shall encourage the parties to contact each other if they wish to have a second date. Conversely, the Shadchan shall encourage the parties to engage in healthy dialogue if they do not want to go out again. The Shadchan should not act as a crutch for difficult, yet healthy social interaction. Shadchan recognizes that his/her clients are adults, and will both treat them like adults and encourage them to act like responsible adults.

  5. Shadchan shall make fee amount and expectation (if any) clear upon first interaction with potential client. This fee expectation and structure shall be in writing and signed by both Shadchan and client.

  6. Following the date, Shadchan agrees only to speak directly to the client (individual man and woman) about any other miscellaneous issues pertaining to the date. The Shadchan must obtain permission from the parties to disclose any other information to third parties, including parents, Rabbis or friends.

  7. Following the date, Shadchan agrees to adhere to strict privacy guidelines. At no time shall the Shadchan discuss clients, parents of clients, or other issues with outside parties, without oral and preferably written consent from the individuals.

  8. Shadchan may give advice or insight but needs to be keenly aware of when such information is outside the scope of his/her expertise. Shadchan shall not act as a counselor or psychiatrist, unless he/she has the requisite professional skill and training in the area of question. Shadchan shall retain a list of healthcare professionals who he/she can refer clients to if necessary. If Shadchan feels that client is in need of professional help, he/she shall make referral. Further, if a serious disorder is suspected, Shadchan shall consult a healthcare professional and/or Rabbi to receive guidance and disclosure obligation. Shadchan shall not make an independent determination of disclosure.

  9. For educational purposes, Shadchan may use anecdotes or examples from their experience. Such examples and anecdotes must not identify the person or situation or include information that may readily lead to such identification.

  10. Shadchan shall not overly stress physical or financial attributes. Instead, he/she shall stress qualities of character, piety, intelligence and competence that would lend permanence to a marriage and encourage a high degree of moral stability in the community.

  11. Shadchan recognizes that there are multiple appropriate ways for singles to meet one another, and will encourage clients to explore other avenues outside of Shadchan's auspices if the opportunity presents itself. Shadchan recognizes that his/her clients do not belong to them.

  12. Shadchan recognizes that every person is a unique individual, so much more than a composite of facts and figures on an index card. Due to the deeply personal nature of shidduchim, Shadchan will make a serious effort to get to know each of his/her clients as an individual by spending time with them, preferably in person - even if this reduces the quantity of clients the Shadchan may have time to assist. Shadchan will make every effort to avoid generic adjectives in describing clients to prospective dates, and instead focus on meaningful information that lends insight into the true essence of the individual.

  13. The Client (and/or the Client's parents when deemed appropriate) must be honest and forthright with the Shadchan when approached with questions; must call the Shadchan at reasonable hours, to be specified by the Shadchan; must inform the Shadchan about an engagement or serious relationship, even if it is not the result of the Shadchan's work; and must pay the Shadchan the agreed upon fee (if any) in a timely manner.

  14. All other expectations of both the Shadchan and the client shall be discussed and clarified at the outset of the relationship.


Additional Clauses (Optional):

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We the undersigned have read, understand and agree to the above Code of Responsibility. A signed copy has been provided to all parties.

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Shadchan                  Date
                 _______________________
Client                      Date


Copyright Bellows Communications ~ 917.806.6667
May be reproduced unedited and in its entirety. May not be published or posted on a web site without the permission of the author.