Yankie and
Rochie were in a car together, and were attempting to make conversation.
"Attempting" is the appropriate way to describe it, because conversation
between them was difficult and awkward. This made for an uncomfortable car
ride.
Further complicating matters was the fact that Yankie and Rochie were
expected to converse with one another despite being complete strangers; in
fact, they really had no other reason to be there. Despite being coached
on what to talk about and how to express themselves, and despite having
gone through many similar experiences with other people, there were many
gaps and dead-ends in the conversation, which only further heightened the
discomfort. Needless to say, neither Yankie nor Rochie enjoyed the experience,
despite the way they smiled and pretended otherwise. It was clear that
they had little chemistry, and whatever they were told they had in common
was surely exaggerated. Maybe they would be persuaded to give each other
"another chance," though they would look forward to it with dread or
indifference at best; maybe they would go through this unpleasant
experience all over again with hopes of developing a rapport; maybe they
would eventually become comfortable in each other.s company; maybe they
would become capable of talking naturally to one another as they could
with everyone else; maybe they would even wish to get married. But probably not. Yaakov and Rachel also had their first conversation during a car ride.
However, the circumstances surrounding this meeting were entirely
different. They had each spent Shabbos in the same neighborhood and were sharing a ride
back home. They had never previously met, and knew nothing about one
another, yet they conversed freely and without strain. When there was a
lull in the conversation there was no palpable tension in the air. They
were both comfortable presenting themselves without subterfuge and acting
naturally, since there was no pressure and no expectations. After all,
they were just two strangers sharing a ride. When they parted at the end of the ride they still hardly knew one
another. After this one chance meeting they definitely had more questions
about one another than answers . but that.s always the case. They
discovered that they had a lot in common. They also discovered that they
were not entirely alike in terms of background, personality, and even
religious outlook. But after this lengthy, engaging, enjoyable
conversation, these differences seemed trivial to both of them. In fact,
rather than cause tension and anxiety, these differences actually
contributed to the conversation. Yaakov and Rachel found each other to be interesting, similar enough to
understand each other yet different enough that their time together was
never dull and monotonous. They even discovered qualities in one another
that they had never before thought of in a potential date, yet appreciated
now that they had stumbled on these qualities. Not only that, they
discovered that some of the trivial, tangential "requirements" they fussed
over when being set up just didn.t matter. This real person was so much
more than a generic list of qualifications. Needless to say, they made it
their business to meet again, and they both looked forward to it. After two weeks of nerve-wracking negotiations and deliberations,
Yankie and Rochie agreed to meet a second time as well. They went out for
dinner at one of the usual restaurants. They found a few things to talk
about, but again it petered out before too long, and they found themselves
grasping to fill the empty spaces. They didn.t really care how many
siblings the other one had and what they all did, but they feigned polite
interest as they exchanged monologues. Rochie kept glancing around the
room, hoping no one she knew would see her. Yankie almost gritted his
teeth when he saw the bill, and reminded himself that this was hishtadlus. They were also not very
attracted to one another, and did not find that spending more time
together helped matters. Two tables away, Yaakov and Rachel were comfortably enjoying dinner and
each other.s company as they found out more about one another. They got a
good laugh by observing that some other couples there were clearly on a
date, and clearly not enjoying themselves. Yaakov and Rachel felt sorry
for them. Maybe they were right for one another and maybe not . only time
would tell . but finding that out didn.t have to be unpleasant and filled
with artificial obstacles. * * * Same people, same setting . yet an entirely different
experience. Those who are fundamentally opposed to "natural meetings"
would do well to consider that natural meetings are in reality not so
dissimilar to "shidduch dates."
What is a shidduch date, after
all, if not two people meeting for the first time, going somewhere
together, and getting to know a little bit about one another? Maybe they
will get married, and maybe they will not. Natural meetings are very much the same thing, only
without pretentious third parties, intrusive and far-reaching "research,"
artificial expectations, and a pressure-filled personal encounter. Whether
or not they get married will still be determined only by getting to know
important things about one another and developing a genuine relationship .
but the process will be more palatable. Indeed, it is much more palatable because the initial
meeting . be it a car ride, a meal, or an encounter at a summer camp .
occurred without being labeled a "date" and without all the pressure and
anxiety associated with dating. It is unreasonable for two total strangers
to be thrust into such a pressurized and anxious setting and expected to
become comfortable with one another. It is, however, perfectly reasonable
for two strangers who meet in the normal course of life to become
comfortable with one another . and then to begin dating. Consequently, those who scorn natural meetings on
religious grounds need to explain why it is objectionable for a single man
and a single woman to meet for the first time only if this initial meeting
is referred to as a "natural meeting" and not as a "date." After all, what
happens during and beyond this initial meeting is essentially the same.
The first date after a natural meeting is roughly equivalent to the second
date after an initial set-up. Only the terminology and the looming
presence of a matchmaker are different. Those who claim that natural meetings would lead to a
greater incidence of inappropriate matches need to reconcile the fact that
"shidduch dates" turn out to be
"not shayach" the overwhelming
majority of the time. All the tangential pre-date questions and intense
investigations haven.t led to any positive breakthroughs. Just the
opposite, in fact. Those who claim that natural meetings are largely
facilitated by physical attraction need to explain how this is
significantly different with "shidduch dates." I do not believe many people marry someone
they find physically unattractive. Further, when people are set up on
blind dates with someone they find physically unattractive, they
experience an immediate letdown upon seeing this person for the first
time, and almost never overcome this. Attraction grows over time in any
healthy relationship, but unattractive people do not magically become
pretty people after a few dates, nor will anyone be duped into pursuing
someone they find unattractive simply because they were compelled to a go
through with a date. Women complain that men are preoccupied with looks. I
must ask these women the following questions: Why do you go to great
trouble and expense to beautify yourselves before dates and events if you
do not wish for men to be attracted by your appearance (which in and of
itself is not a bad thing)? More important, would you turn down a date
with someone I have in mind for you who is absolutely perfect for you, yet
is not four inches taller than you? What if he is a couple of inches shorter than you? How about if he is
losing his hair? If this person showed up at your door for a blind date,
would you experience a sinking, disappointed feeling? Would you shift into
shut-down mode and merely go through the motions of a date, polite but not
at all engaging or enthusiastic? Would you tell this gentleman you think
he.s a great guy but unfortunately you don.t see it working out, despite
how well he treated you and how much you have in common otherwise? If you
answered "yes" to one or more of these questions, you are also preoccupied
with looks, and therefore should not complain about this ever again. The truth is, natural meetings are actually more favorable for overcoming minimal
attraction. If two people have a chance to get to know one another outside
the pressures and expectations of a formal shidduch date, there will be greater room for flexibility
in terms of physical attraction. Once two people decide to begin dating
one another, physical attraction will never be a concern; after all, they
have already seen one another and spent time together. And the first time
people who met naturally go out on a date, they will already have met and
developed a comfortable basis for conversation. Natural meetings should not be thought of as an
"alternative" method of meeting, something only appropriate for "some
circles" or something to be tried only after one reaches the age of
desperation, but rather as the absolute best and most pleasant way to meet
a potential spouse. Matchmaking, unnatural singles events, and online
dating should be alternative options to supplement natural meetings. Again, there is no foolproof method of meeting that
eliminates all the concerns, uncertainties, and potential risks of dating.
Shidduch dating exists only for
this purpose, yet continues to produce woeful results a great deal of the
time. Unless the shadchan is
actually a personal friend who is looking out for the best interests of
both individuals, a blind date with what amounts to a stranger is simply
not a pleasant or effective way to meet a potential spouse. A natural
meeting is, regardless of how it turns out. Just ask Yaakov and Rachel. Chananya Weissman is the
founder of EndTheMadness (www.endthemadness.org), a comprehensive campaign to rehabilitate the culture of
shidduchim. He can be reached
at